Jesus and Juice

“You are constantly invited to be what you are.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I saw the look on my daughters face when she watched out our car window, seeing her friends get picked up for school together. The same friends she had asked to play the day before. And the day before that. A few times, no response. Once when she asked if she could join them, she was met with “We just want to play alone today. “Some days, there are countless friends to play with, ready to join forces and ride bikes around the neighborhood. Most often attending each others parties and hanging out on the playground. Other days, its messier. A sudden “who’s who” hierarchy in the land of 5th grade girls.

I see this same shift in my middle school son and his friendships. One day, inseparable with a few tight buddies. The next day, those friends have a new crowd and its a lonely school lunch, a text invitation to hang out that never gets a yes. And just like that, the very next day is a group of 8 boys forming a dodgeball group at lunch and playing basketball in our driveway.

The pendulum is far swinging these days, to say the least. I am hard pressed to know what way the wind will blow when I gather my precious gems up from school on any given day. Because of who they are as people, I can safely assume they will be positive and joy filled little humans when they load their 50 pound back packs into the car and cheerfully wave at their peers as we drive off. Half the time, we are loading an array of extra kids in with us, who are giggling in the back seat and slipping out of their Crocs to run out to the trampoline or eat their weight in snacks while they line up on the couch and play Roblox (Lord help us, with the video game life.)

Other days I can see a tenderness, a vulnerability on their faces as they see friends walking home together without them, or hearing them invite friends over for an overnight to which they aren’t included. I recognize this look, as I have had it on my own face approximately 1 million times in my life. The look is a feeling, really. Its sadness, rejection, shame, hurt… but mostly, the look is longing. Its longing to be part of the group, to be invited, included. To be a part of something where your presence matters.

Yet, sometimes that look can also be grace. Even at their young ages, my children know enough to realize that not always being invited is part of life. Its knowing they too, have had times where they just wanted to have special time with one friend. Or maybe mom said 2 friends can come over today, but not 3. They understand they can be loved and valued by those same friends even if they might have to sit on the sidelines today. Sometimes I think they understand it even more than I do.

My mama heart exploded after school drop off today, assuring Carmen that all of these sweet girls love her dearly and are thrilled to be coming to her birthday celebration this weekend. I said all of the things mamas say to their babies when their hearts hurt and are unsure they are valued. “Just keep being the kind of friend you are”, “choose people in your life that you think possess the qualities that make them a good friend”, “you are loved beyond measure.” I hugged her and smiled big when she exited the car and walked into school on this bright and sunny winter morning. Then I walked into my house and burst into tears. Dramatic? Probably. An overreaction to something as trivial as school drop off? Likely. A heart that hurts for my kids who have already experienced so much pain and rejection from the early years of their life and don’t want to see any more? You bet your life.

I have told my kids that everyone is learning and growing at these ages and there are going to be so many times when mistakes are made and choices are made that might hurt someone else unintentionally. Forgiveness is crucial in these moments and 9 times out of 10, these same people will still go on to be your very best friends. The same applies to them, as they won’t always be the recipient but instead, the actual offender in the situation. As I sat and thought about the “why” behind my sadness, I realized that this is something that is not exclusive to children. This is a lifelong journey of the ups and downs of friendship, the ebb and flow of being in and sometimes being out. (Janet Jackson has never written me back, so there’s that). I can’t tell you the number of times in my life where I have been on the outside looking in. I have remarried, relocated, moved out of state, out of and into new communities, churches, salons, schools; all of which mean starting over. And starting over as a married mom of a blended family and the desire to make connections with other married moms with kids my kids ages and husbands who also like each other….oooooh weeeee! This has been a full time job in and of itself. Social media likes to remind us that everyone is doing things together without us. Satan likes to try and convince us that we are not valued. God shows us that we are loved without condition. Which one am I going to believe today?

The Bible has many examples of people who were rejected by their peers and yet, went on to live lives of greatness, promoted by the Lord and shown favor and kindness from Him. JESUS was the ultimate outcast. Mocked, beaten and hung on a cross by his own people who didn’t believe he was the messiah. Thankfully, we know how that ended. Praise! Many times, rejection was the blissful ignorance of regular people just being regular people. No harm intended, often times oblivious to the hurt inflicted, most times forgiven as a result.

Being uninvited is actually an invitation to grow in character and faith. God invites us to be who we are in Him. Perfectly and wonderfully made, confident and secure in our foundation, strong in character, always practicing love and forgiveness. I truly believe that the Lord created us with a deep desire for fellowship. With that, comes an opportunity to offer up the same qualities he extends to us. Grace, mercy, and ultimately, love. While we are called to action with our loving response to one another, we are also called to action to choose our friendships wisely, encourage and build one another up, speak truthfully and influence one another for good.

Friends, the sting of rejection is real. The jab we feel when life goes on around us, without us… it can feel so isolating and lead us down a path of resentment and a nudge from the evil one to just throw in the towel with anyone we think may have wronged us. This is Gods reminder today that we matter. We are valued (literally every hair on our heads was planned!). We are loved (so much so that He gave his only son). Lets keep fighting the battle of the one who seeks to break us down, shatter our hearts, make us doubt ourselves and our worth rather than focusing on the countless times we ARE invited, included, welcomed with open arms. Remember all of those times? Because there are dozens. Lets get back to the business of being the grace filled, forgiving and loving people we are called to be. The people who see the good in people because we are all trying our best! Oh, and just know this… you always have a seat at my table.

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If one falls, one can help the other up.” Proverbs 17:17

“Take full responsibility for your actions, your choices, and your life; you made it this way. If you’re happy, keep going. If you’re not, then choose to do something about it.” – Kylie Francis

I was reeling from the high of a sunny and romantic trip to Mexico. It was one of those 10 out of 10 types of vacations where everything was perfect from start to finish. It felt like luck to me. I couldn’t believe that literally everything could be that flawless when two single parents fly out of the country during a pandemic, leaving itineraries, lists, schedules, dog sitting, kid sitting, medical consents, prepared meals, insurance cards and daily care packages for the kids and hope and pray you didn’t forget any details or someone needs stitches on the first day you’re gone.

Somewhere, tucked neatly in the back of my brain, I wondered what I would have to endure to “pay” for such goodness. In my mind, such goodness is a debt, paid for with a catastrophic life event or string of nuances added up to balance the scale. So when I returned to work the following week, my jaded assumptions were put into action. The city called to tell me I had a major water leak at my house, my doctor called to let me know of a “lets just have you back in 6 months so we can watch it more closely” matter and as I walked out of work that night, my car had a lofty parking ticket on the windshield. To throw gas on it, there have been daunting emotional concerns within our family circle that have brought us to our knees, wondering how we are going to mend and heal these situations. Sprinkle in some drama and unrealistic expectations from an unhealed outside force, and we’ve just about resigned from our jobs to take up island living and day drinking.

Victim. That’s how I felt that day. And I wasn’t actually all that surprised…thats how life goes, right? One step forward, two steps back. You take the good with the bad. Pivot and adjust. I let myself spend a little time on feeling the weight of those events. I parked for a few minutes in my car at my favorite spot on the lake, bounced between Biggie and Bethel Music and then drove home to soak up the sounds of my childrens greetings and hugs when I walked through the door. While some things were still sitting heavily on my heart, I dusted off the days challenges, found my smile and snuggled my babies on the couch.

The truth is, I can’t live in the victim mentality for long. There are far too many good things in my life. To list them all would take pages, but to cliff note it, God has given me a full cup. He didn’t design me to feel sorry for myself, to live in a state of blame, or think the world (or anyone in particular) owes me because I have been wronged. God designed me to persevere, to turn the other cheek, to be bold and brave, secure in the foundation of who and whos I am. He called me to RISE!

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

The thing about being a victim is that it robs us of the power to change. Without a shadow of a doubt, the times I have grown the most in my life have been during the hardest seasons. Making counseling a habit and being a constant student of self growth and faith has given me so much awareness into my broken pieces that have often inhibited me from being my best self or given of my best self as a parent or in relationships. I realize this is all easier said than done…I have set backs and days that I fail miserably. I have nights where I call Mike and cry on the phone, wanting a redo of a parenting fail or just to hear his gentle reminders that I am loved. That I am trying my best. Its easy to see the troubles of life from the lens of defeat or blame. To see the chips stack against us and make every excuse in the book to seek pity and take the responsibility off of ourselves. But when I dig deep, I can hold myself accountable to the places I might have gone wrong. The water leak? I forgot to blow out my sprinklers before the winter and they froze and cracked. The parking ticket? I overstayed my welcome. The emotional struggles of our children? Fallout of our broken families, a result of some poor choices by mom and dad.

God has given me the insight, or better yet, he has firmly nudged me enough, to step up to the plate of ownership. The times where someone has really wronged me? Well, maybe that was for that person to learn a valuable lesson and I was a piece of their story. All in all, life is not always going to be easy. When we take what we can as a character building, lesson learning, gratitude grabbing day, we are much more free to enjoy the goodness without waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“When life gives you a hundred reasons to break down and cry, show life you have a million reasons to smile and laugh.”

My daughter hates having her hair brushed. Its been a battle since 2015, when she finally sprouted her first locks. I have caved to letting her do this on her own as to avoid the fight between us but most mornings she leaves for school with business in the front, party in the back. A small rats nest to which I have found yesterdays bobby pins, stickers, twigs and the occasional snack. While she was brushing it the other day, she exclaimed, “ITS TOO HARD! IT HURTS TOO MUCH!” Yes, baby girl. Sometimes its too hard. Sometimes it hurts too much. On the other side of “its too hard” is, “its so beautiful!” On the wings of “it hurts to much” is “I got through it.”

When we face the challenges life will most certainly throw at us, we have the ability to choose who we want to be in that storm. As I write this, I’m staring out the window to a cloudy, rainy day. The sun is just starting to peak through and cast light on what was gloomy only moments ago. You see, the sun didn’t fall victim to the rain. It found a way to break through and shine again. Afterall…rainbows are the prize for weathering the storm. And oh, how beautiful they are.

Heavenly Father, Thank you for pouring truth into us and allowing us to see where we can shine brighter. Thank you for the rainbows that follow the storms…. Amen

Empower: To make someone stronger and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights.

What and who comes to mind when you digest this definition? To get the most obvious out of the way, lets start with Jesus Christ. Lets also give a standing O to a few great empowerers in our century, such as Martin Luther King Jr., Billie Graham, Mother Teresa, Princess Diana, Billie Jean King and how about the tiny little powerhouse of a pioneer…Ruth Bader Ginsburg? These men and women have championed the way for SO many and so often have done it without riding the coattails or breaking the backs of others to get there. They paved ways for the hopeless, encouraged others to be braver, bolder, encouraged and spent much of their lives celebrating differences, pushing for equality and blazing trails for the rest of us when our voices couldn’t be heard.

When I was sifting through the tributes to RBG, I thought about what my own legacy would look like. Am I someone who lifts others up? Encourages people to be brave? Do I go to battle in the name of Jesus? Am I a listening ear and bold voice for those in need? Do I empower others? Particularly women? In ways, I felt I could answer that with a “yes”. Yet there were many moments I could think of that made me wonder how many times I have mistakenly or unknowingly been the discourager, the attacker, the one who unfairly misjudged another woman when I had NO idea who she really was.

As of late, I have taken a small break from a few social media platforms for reasons of keeping finding my sanity. I was suddenly consumed with reading the comment section of peoples posts and from news articles being circulated and found myself sick with what strangers were saying to one another. The absolute tearing down of another human because of political party, social status, gender, sexual orientation, race, group, body image…I couldn’t stomach it. Wasn’t it only a few years ago that women were marching all over the world TOGETHER to promote sisterhood, equality, inclusiveness???

In transparency, I did not attend, and had no desire to attend these marches. You know why? It felt fraudulent to me. Too many times I have witnessed women coming together to build one another up and the very next day, rip each other apart. The message is inconsistent at best. We are our own worst enemies when it comes to this hypocrisy and I can’t bear to witness it anymore. I have been privileged in my life to know and be friends and family to a HOST of incredible women. I can’t express how remarkable this is to me….truly. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but alas, the women in my life are some of the most divine, generous, kind, compassionate, bold, brave, ambitious, Jesus loving, life giving, soul blessing, EMPOWERING women I have ever come across. The gratitude runs deep. Yet, as I write these words, I can honestly say, I have been torn down more times than I can count by a few women in my life too. I am aware that we can all say this and though it may be far less impactful than the good moments, it has been significantly hard on my heart nonetheless. What’s worse, it has generally been from women who didn’t even know me. My character and my body image has been shredded apart so many times, that I have had to work overtime (and I for real mean overtime) in my adult life to plant my feet and my security in who God says I am and who I know I am.

Ladies, (and gentleman), we need to do better than this. We might think our words don’t carry much weight, especially to a stranger or to someone who appears to have all the confidence. Rest assured, our words can pierce the hearts of the women with even the strongest armor. This breaks my soul. I am a mother… I have a son and a daughter who I feel fiercely protective of and want nothing more than to be the shield that takes every dagger for them for their whole life. I am so easily riled up by the slightest act of unkindness toward them.
I am also a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a coworker and a friend. We all are. And with any one of those things, we have the privilege and responsibility to be better. To take the fraudulence out of the marches. To know that when we are tagged as empowerers and post that selfie, that we can stand behind our words and actions as warriors, not just for ourselves, but for ONE ANOTHER.

Friends, there is enough room for all of us to be whole without tearing each other down. We are ALL created in the Gods image and designed uniquely with a purpose that is only for us. That sets us apart to be individually great and yet be each others biggest fans. When we set out to do harm with our words and actions, we wreak jealousy, envy, righteousness, insecurity…ugliness. We have a huge opportunity to be beautiful. We can turn this around and change the coarse for the generations ahead. We can stand behind one another, beside one another, carry one another. We can fix each others crowns, celebrate each others successes, encourage each other to keep going when we fail, be positive role models for the young ones right behind us who are looking to us to make the world a better place. We owe that to them. We owe it to us.

I recently had the chance to experience the profound effect that a change of heart, shared grief and forgiveness could do between two women who had been at battle for a decade. God brought me the opportunity to open my heart and arms to a woman knee deep in grief when my first response years ago may have been to shut her out and stay angry. When I saw her face and the despair nestled in her bones, my only desire was to reach out in love and let the woes of the past melt to a puddle at our feet. It took far less energy to reach out in love than it did to carry anger and resentment for all of these years. The thought that we are more similar than different gave me a new perspective on how we can support one another so much more. I believe we are given this divine opportunity over and over again in our lives. Oh my heart, what a blessing this is.

Tonight, even as I feel the burden of a world that has imploded with hatred and divisiveness, I am also digging deep to see the good left in this world. The champions who recognized the opportunity to give everything of themselves to do great, be great, choose great. We all have the power and the opportunity to evolve…even this very minute. I regret every ounce of soul stealing I have been responsible for and pray for an endless amount of chances to get it right. To be better. To empower…

To the men and women who have made it their lifes mission to be selfless, to blaze trails, to turn the other cheek, carry anothers burden, be cheerleaders, advocates, tear wipers, crown fixers, pioneers and fearless leaders of love…. bless you. Thank you for changing the game and setting the bar higher. May we come behind you and seek to be even half as good…

“Individually, we are one drop. Together, we are an ocean.”

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. This is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”

Ephesians 2:8-9

My grandfather was a judge. He gained recognition when he was assigned to a San Francisco Municipal Court and set a record by hearing 140 cases in his first day. I can only imagine what he must have felt like driving home that night. Exhausted, depleted, a sinking feeling of sadness about humanity, or perhaps a small sense of pride that he was sometimes able to help even just one person that day. Maybe he came across someone who did something bad, but was a good person, begging for an opportunity to make it right. From the stories I have heard of his legacy, he was a judge who yearned for the chance to bail someone out who was down on his luck, or made some mistakes but was truly remorseful and just needed forgiveness and someone to give them grace and another chance. While he was firm and just, he also sought to make a difference in peoples lives and see the good in them. Every story I’ve heard has been one of his fairness, kind heart and ability to turn a crime into a teachable moment.

It would be no small task to sit in this seat of judgement to others. Deciding their fate. Who wins, who loses. Who dodges a bullet today and goes home with a slap on the wrist. Who pays the price and gets the book thrown at them. I often wonder what it would have been like to sit in his powerful position.

The majority of us have not been appointed to such a position. Yet, we walk around with a self given authority to sit in that seat among our peers on the daily. We may not be making judgement calls that seal the fate of someone’s life path, but we sure as hell have an impact on them, sometimes even more detrimental to their well being than any court could hand out.

As we all have seen over the past several weeks, things are getting sticky on social media and the news. This comes as no surprise, as we have been faced with this for many years since we have had the world at our fingertips. I started to really notice it when the last election came about. I couldn’t believe the words people were slinging at each other over their difference of opinion. Often, people would speak to strangers in the ugliest of ways because they could hide behind their screens and never be known to their victim. As of late, with Covid-19 being at the forefront of our minds, and information coming at us like a firing squad, we seem to be at an all time high of mud slinging to one another. Fear has gripped us, we don’t know what information is the truth, our economy is sinking and we are all uncertain of our futures. This has driven many people into hysteria and confusion, but also one where we feel WE are the ones with the right answers. OUR news articles are the accurate ones. OUR opinions are the truth…ones that everyone needs to get on board with, or else. The judgement towards one another for choosing what it best for their family, in this time of crisis, is staggering.

I’ve been laughed at for wearing a mask to the store. I’ve been yelled at for not wearing a mask into the store. I’ve been told we need to get back to work and not let our constitutional rights be stripped away. I’ve been told it is irresponsible to get back to work and put myself and others at risk for their lives. Its a crap shoot, folks. One that every single on of us have experienced in this fragile time. None of us have the answers. Yet, we seemingly think we do, not only for ourselves, but for everyone else, and by gosh, we are going to make that known!

Here’s the deal though….not one of us on this earth has it 100% right. Not about the ‘Rona, not politically, not about parenting, marriage, dating, grieving, finances, and even faith. But I do know that there is one who does. His name is God and last I checked, He was very clear about being the only one. As we are busy throwing daggers in the comment section to cousin Tom in Oregon or a friend of a friends sisters mom in Pennsylvania, God is busy with the real details. He is listening to every prayer, healing the sick, comforting the dying, weeping with the grieving, shaking his head at the righteous…

I heard the absolute best quote from a sermon I was listening to online today. The pastor said “God exalts the humble and opposes the proud. He did not give us the authority to decide who is doing it right, who is doing it wrong or who is a better Christian because of it. We are not fruit inspectors. If you want to inspect fruit, inspect your own.” THIS! Amen and all of the yesses to this.

1 Samuel 16:7 says “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” When we put our faith and trust in Jesus Christ, we bear (or strive to) the fruits of the spirit. When we sit in the judgement seat of who is doing life right or wrong, we become fruit inspectors. So many people seek to cast stones on the ones they love under the umbrella of care and concern, because they are the bearers of “truth”. Sometimes it genuinely comes from a place of love, with gentle words, encouragement, a close bond and a lot of prayer. But often times, it is with self righteousness and self idolatry…the kind where we feel the need to point out the speck in someone else’s eye all while our vision is clouded by the log in our own.

Speaking from my own experiences, I have had a few harsh critics who have weighed in on my life and choices since the death of my husband. I have chosen to date again since Scott passed. I did this earlier (and more often) than what might have been comfortable for someone else in a similar situation, and possibly later than another. I haven’t felt the need to explain this to the critics, because it would be IMPOSSIBLE for them to understand. That, and conveniently, they haven’t asked for the “why”. They haven’t sought to understand. The people who have stood in my corner and walked side by side with me throughout this manically emotional journey have asked the hard questions, challenged me to ask them to myself, prayed for me and with me, showed up on my doorstep on the hard nights, built trust with me by being intentional with their listening and have down right BREATHED LIFE BACK INTO ME. The righteous who speak their own truth, pretending to be free from sin, while casting the biggest stones of all? Yeah, hard pass on those folks. If we want to reach people, we need to mirror Jesus. We also need to remember how often we fall short of His glory.

Here’s something we should know about our inheritance in Heaven…                                WE DON’T DESERVE IT! We don’t deserve Gods grace, mercy, forgiveness. Yet He gives it to us anyway! He is the ultimate judge, jury and fruit inspector, and is the ONLY one who has been sworn in to that seat. He sees our sin, our weaknesses, our flaws, our casting of stones. He is firm, he gives consequences when we need them, yet he is the most loving father. The one who cares not just about what we have done or not done, but one who cares about our hearts. Our intentions. He is the one who has been appointed to hand down our sentence and instead he sees the good. He yearns for the chance to bail us out when we are broken, have committed the crime, or when we just thought we had all the answers for everyone else. It is before our master that we stand or fall. That is our moment, with our God. I am so thankful that He is the one I answer to. He is the one I look to for the answers to an uncertain life, to heal the broken pieces, ease the fear of a pandemic that has turned our world upside down. He is the one I run to for the truth. The forgiveness. The comfort. The grace.

As I say in every one of my writings, I fail at this all the time. I get it wrong and have to carry my heavy ass cross back to the feet of Jesus multiple times a day. I will never profess to be living my life right all the time and I sure as heck am a Christian because I know I need his love and forgiveness more than the next guy. I am a sinner. I have been the judge many times in my life. But the more I get to know Jesus, the more I am put in my place that my position is well below his on any given day and twice on Sunday. This fact frees me up in the best of ways because I can lighten my load. I can pray for what he nudges me to pray for, seek to listen to and understand the hearts of my people, clean up my own backyard instead of judging my neighbors, be a fountain and not a drain and be so freed up that I can freaking LOVE like its my dang job. After all, I believe that’s the biggest job we were given, of all.

“Never look down on anyone. Only God sits that high.”

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. ” 1 Corinthians 13

We all joke about how long into a wedding ceremony this verse will be read to the bride and groom. We can pretty much all recite it, Bible scholar or not, as it is the single most used scripture for such an occasion. It makes sense. If this is truly what love looks like when you have been lucky enough to find it, then sign me up! If only it is as easy as being in love and committing to your person and having this all fall perfectly into place. After all, that is what it was intended to be before that sneaky serpent came into the picture to lure Eve. And her starry eyed Adam was so smitten with his love for Eve that he too went along for the lie and changed what would have been perfect love into what we so loosely have today. Good intentions, with all the butterflies, first impressions, show our best cards, sweet affection, tingles down your spine, willingness and desire, all sprinkled with just the right amount of hope for the future that your love will survive every storm. Every fight. Every difficult season. Every crisis. Every selfish desire of our own hearts… But here’s the thing, folks. Love doesn’t look like this from what I’ve seen the vast majority of time. Can you honestly say, without conviction, that you love like this ALWAYS, like scripture tells us?

I’ve seen the beautiful fruit of it in my life. I’ve tasted and seen the absolute heart pounding, fight for it, try everything, be there at the end of the day to work through it, blissful, giddy, can’t stop touching one another, I can’t live without you type of love. I’m a romantic to my core and I love with a mate for life mentality to my people. But I can say with certainty, that I have missed the mark on every level with abundance. If I dare to be honest, I’ve seen it fail with almost everyone I know too.

I’ve seen love be impatient. I’ve seen the evidence of jealousy and envy. The self seeking nature in which we view how well we are being loved. The constant keeping a record of wrongs, fueling a quick temper, spewing words of hurt and anger. I’ve seen the way marriages and relationships have been destroyed by lack of trust, pride, lack of honesty, lies that we tell each other, lies that we tell ourselves about how it “should” be. The part about “always protects”? How are we possibly mastering that when we can’t even get patience and anger under control? And perseverance? Our generation knows nothing of this word. This is the one that hits me the most. I have yet to see it in my own life. Not one person has CHOSEN to overcome the trials and tribulations of living a committed life with me, through every up and down, no matter what. Love is selfish. It is filled with unrealistic expectations, self serving attitudes, assurance that the other person will never make a mistake “or else”. Love puts limitations on our perseverance every day. Our tear stained faces are evidence of relationships filled with condition. Are you making me happy? Am I making you happy enough? Do you measure up? Do I? Have you made too many sassy remarks under your breath, left your clothes on the floor one too many times, liked all of my likes, disliked all of my dislikes, are you fulfilling every need I have and am I fulfilling all of yours? Have we had too many meaningless arguments even when we’ve had a million other joyful moments? Are you asking for too much? Are you not asking for enough? Am I happy all of the time like I am “supposed to be” if we were a “good” couple? If not, are we even compatible?

So no, love does not persevere. It quits when the going gets tough. It quits when we can’t get out of our own way. It fears and abandons ship when we don’t manage our own issues and emotions and buries it deep so we don’t have to. It controls our thoughts that it is for the better to leave and punches us in the face with only reminding us of what was negative so we can brush it off and move on with life. It replaces it with a swipe of the finger, because that’s the world we have created. There’s something better for ME. I am not happy. YOU didn’t make me happy enough. It SHOULDN’T be this hard. Move on. Let it go already. Find someone else. Its not the end of the world. I’m fine without you. Love doesn’t persevere. Love, my friends, fails.

If you have gotten past the cynicism and are still reading along, let me tell you why I think this is. The ONLY perfect love comes from Jesus. You already know this. But really let that sink in. He is the only one who is perfect, who never fails at anything and is the only one who can then give perfect love. His love never fails. Ever. Until we can wrap our heads and hearts around this concept, we will never even get close to getting it right with the ones we love. Because here’s the thing, we CAN get a little closer.

We have created a world that is at an all time high of self absorption. We have not one, but multiple social media accounts in which we post status updates, retouched selfies, our successful “life changing” businesses, our new homes, fancy vacations, perfectly smiling family photos, (#whatsyourexcuse) before and after body image photos, “congrats to the happy couple” pic from the wedding you’re attending, but the pic is of just you, the “just whipped this up for dinner real quick” gourmet meal, checking into the gym for your second workout of the day….get the picture? Then we have the nerve to wonder why our relationships are failing?!?!? This should be plain as freaking day, here. We are falling victim to a world that is not real. Its filling our heads with “what if’s”, “I deserve better”, “I’m not satisfied anymore”. Honestly, when we look at what we think we are entitled to, and what we think we could and should have everyday in this fake cyber world we built, why on earth would we work to save that which is precious anymore? And guess who we are transferring this mentality on to? You’ve got it…our children. I have the privilege of hearing the sweet teens that sit in my chair talk about the sadness in their hearts over not being asked to Homecoming, not having their pictures “liked’, having their most humiliating moments documented for all to see. Heart breaking for these precious young ones. Any idea who might be at the head of this corporation we call life?

When 1 Corinth speaks of love not being evil? Well, evil is alive and well. His name is Satan and I’m pretty sure he has more likes on Facebook than anyone else, and we hit the button ourselves! Oh, the joy he must have knowing that love is nothing like what Jesus speaks of. He can almost taste the sweetness of victory, watching us treat each other this way. Watching us leave one another in pieces, with broken hearts, weeping for what once was, holding on to everything that was good, worth fighting for. He’s watching us sling the harshest words to perfect strangers, divide us as far as he can, attack each other for our differences, sell ourselves and each other out. He’s watching our God weep with sadness over what his flawless vision for loving one another was intended to be. We did this. How do we begin to repair it? Can it even be mended back together from the broken pieces on the floor at this point? Maybe we should just chalk it up to what’s in the past and leave it alone. That would be the easier route, right?

I believe in my bones that love can be repaired. It can be brought back from ashes. It can be restored and made so new and beautiful that we stand in awe of its splendor. Love can persevere. This is where Gods perfect and unfailing love comes into play. He made us in his image, after all. He also designed us to never be fully satisfied in love until we know his first. When we pour ourselves into his promises that he can and will fully love us for all eternity, that he will not forsake us, that we were made with divine purpose, that we won’t ever spend a day being unloved, we have a shot of getting it right with others. When we abandon the idea that love comes free of complication, always cheerful and easy, laying the burden of having all of our needs met by another human, seeking our happiness from them…we have a real chance at getting (and receiving) it right.

As I sit here in a puddle of my own heartache, longing for a love that I know was real, wonderful and worth every growing pain, to ever come back, I realize the irony of writing these words as if they are not only obvious, but easy. I’m actually writing these words so that I can believe them too. Here’s a concept though…we DO actually have a manual on this one. Its called the Bible and it is filled with directions, truths, promises and hope. Its also filled with hope for love. In fact, he loves love so much that he mentions it 686 times in the NIV.

Are you in a season of a valley with the one you love right now? Are they missing the mark so often that you feel isolated, desperate, hopeless? Or maybe its still wonderful most of the time, but sometimes you can’t help but notice it doesn’t have the same passion anymore. Or that you have been picking at each other more lately. Have you ever gone as far as to let the thought of someone else creep into your mind? Do you daydream that the grass certainly must be greener on the other side? Do you think it might just be better to get out now before you’re any more invested? That maybe if you leave now, that it will hurt them less in the long run? Hurt you less? Are you single and wishing you had what your friends are lucky enough to complain about? Praying that you will one day have your hearts desires fulfilled?

Let me reassure you that we serve a big God. He sees us, he counts our tears in a bottle, he cries with us and he heals the broken pieces. He loves us so much that he wants to see us try harder for what he intended. To come to him, keep the expectations high, hear only the truth, get it right at all times…but only from HIM and him alone. As for one another, lets lighten our load and each others. Lets not cast these burdens of perfection on to one another. Lets not continue to look to the messed up, unrealistic, self serving world we have created and put these expectations on our person we are called to love most in the world. Let us be filled with Christs love SO much that we don’t need to seek this kind of perfection from another human. That we know every need will be met and every desire fulfilled through Jesus and we are so confident in His love that when we love one another, we do so with grace, humility, patience, support, encouragement and, you guessed it, perseverance. When you have been blessed enough to find a love like this, hold on tight and don’t let go. Breathe out the conditions and limitations and breathe in Gods perfect love. Let it fill you, mold you, sculpt you, get rid of any uncertainty and anxiousness and let it satisfy our souls in a way we never knew existed. Love your person better. Fight for them. It’s all worth it….read the manual.

Love Gods love never fails.

“Not Everybody smiles of happiness. Some smile to hide their tears.”

I remember when I was a kid, I learned that the meaning of uncle was not just a sibling of one of my parents. It was the code word to which all forms of torture were called off, because saying no and having it actually mean no, was not a “thing” in the 80’s. Somewhere along the lines, we decided that during a session of being pinned down and tickled or a thumb war with nearly breaking bones, that laughing out of reflex and/or crying from pain was a sign of a good time in those moments. Show no weakness. Until you REALLY mean it. Then you would surrender with the one code word that would fend off your perp and spare you any further agony…UNCLE.

Fast forward to being an adult and we tend to need this code word on the daily. Bills piling up, yard to mow, kids to cart around to every activity, laundry to be folded, dinner to start but its now 8pm and your kids are supposed to be in bed? Uncle. Cold and flu season where it blows through your house one by one, forcing you to call in sick for everyone but yourself, then you get it and drag your snotty self to work, clean up everyone’s bodily fluids, get the house sanitized, tuck yourself into bed and can hear the sweet sounds of the dog barfing on your new carpet in the background? Uncle.

Get divorced from a cheating husband, start over, move away, have miscarriages, deal with husbands job losses, have cancer surgery, lose your husband, become a single mother of two small children, move again, start over, and your parents move here for their retirement and instantly struggle with illness? Uncle

If this sounds like a pity party, it more or less is. But ya’ll know I throw the best parties. Pity parties are no exception. Care to join? I would invite you, but from what I have come to know, most of you have likely thrown your own a time or two. I’m not talking about the kind where we are the constant Debbie Downers of the world. Most of us smile through the pain, laugh when we feel like crying, get out of bed every morning, do all of lifes responsibilities, mix in a little social life, wash off the day, rinse and repeat. The thing is, a good portion of that time is spent feeling all of the good feels. I have many days where I make the choice to be happy, laugh as often as I can, find the joy, stay positive, pray for strength, give thanks for the blessings, snuggle and play with my kids and go to bed genuinely happy. Then there are days where it all comes crashing down and that final thread that was keeping it all together, gets cut off and it all falls apart.

Does this sound familiar to you? I can imagine it does. As of late, I know people with uncurable cancer, mamas who have lost the baby in their arms after only days of life and are coming home with their arms, and hearts, empty. I know people who have been diagnosed with an illness that will give them mere months to live and will leave behind a young spouse and small children, I know not one, but 5 women in my small town who have lost their husbands to suicide recently. I know teens struggling through depression and anxiety, couples working through infidelity issues, people suffering from abuse, addiction, financial strain, sick children spending days and weeks getting treatments in hospitals. Heavy, heavy burdens. Despair. Loneliness. Anger. Confusion. Pain.

In transparency, I can say that my trust in the Lord has been wavering the last year and a half. Selfishly, the seasons where I have given him the most trust and gratitude are when things are going right. When they are going wrong, I have seen myself pull away and become a fair weathered Christian. I question whether God really cares and will make the beauty from ashes that he promises. I find myself rolling my eyes at the stock syrupy responses of “He has a plan for you” (yes, duh. I just freaking dislike the current “plan” at the moment), “He will give you the desires of your heart” (and then rip them away???), “He knows every day of your life as it was recorded in His book (was mine recorded right next to Jerry Springers?) “He cares for you” (I sure hope so because I am hovering somewhere between the Proverbs 31 woman and Tupac right now…)

PSA to the friends of anyone in this particular zone right now: come at us FIRST without judgement, with love, Kleenex, good books to read, lots of wine and preferably red vines and dark chocolate mint Milanos. THEN you can come at me with the word. Word?

I say this AS a Christian. So don’t panic that I’ve lost Jesus and need an insta exorcism. We are just so full of every emotion…vulnerable, mad, lost, confused, sad. We need one minute to take a bat to a few things, slash a few tires, use each swear word a few times over, loudly and with extra pronunciation, watch Snapped on repeat, and live on a diet of sarcasm and cigarettes. (disclaimer, I did not slash any tires or break anything, but you feel me…)

Here’s the deal though. I KNOW Gods word is true. I can go back and read journal entries from 20 years ago and see that everything I went through in those times was fully resolved and restored. I can look at my prayer book and see how God has been faithful and blessed my heart in so many ways, like the two perfect babies I get to mother everyday, the house I live in, the family I have, the friends who have turned into family, my career, our health, the ability to travel and make new memories. GOD HAS AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE GOOD. Its me who has been the one to hold back. To not surrender my fears. To make God small.

I read a post the other day about how we will continue to long for things in our lives, even when we seem to have it all. How there will be more times of struggle than we think we can handle. That we are never and will never be satisfied until we are in Heaven with our creator, where we are made to spend perfect eternity. Everything in the meantime, will feed us just enough, but never completely until that time has come. It gave me a new perspective on how to better spend my time on the earth and dig deeper into the word to fill up on Gods promises for my future. The burden can and will be lifted should we know that there will be a day that there will be no pain or suffering, no tears of anguish or sickness in our bodies. There will be no emptiness in our hearts because we will be completely filled with the glory of our Lord.

In the meantime, rather than feeling so hopeless and bleak about the outlook of life while we are here, I know we are called to live each day with a joy and gratitude so bold that we can’t help but share that with others around us, shining the light to help others  see their way too. I know I am given this gift of life each day; I can clearly see that each morning when I wake my precious wee ones up for the day and when we snuggle up together each night. I owe it to them to share this light of Jesus rather than cast shadows on a world they are still so innocent from. Today, I’m going to rise, while being on my knees in prayer to the one who will certainly heal my wounds and pave my way, should I let Him be bigger in my life. I know I will have to remind myself over and over to lay it at His feet and will still feel all of the feels. But I will do it with the crown with which he anointed me…the daughter of a king. Will you join me?

“Forget all the reasons why it won’t work and believe the one reason it will. So far you’ve survived 100% of your worst days.” 

“I sat there in despair, my spirit draining away, my heart heavy, like lead” Psalm 143:4

Valentines Day was one for the books. It was the 10th anniversary of Scott and my first date. We celebrated by going on a date to hot yoga and then to dinner, where he had made personalized gifts for me, including a pillow that had the date of our first Valentines together. We sat around the table and asked our kids what made them feel loved and how they showed love to others. We all laughed together, talked together, had the perfect night.

The next morning, as every morning, Scott and I reviewed our plans for the day. He had spent the morning texting his friends about their upcoming poker night and printing out plans for a basketball team he was preparing to coach.  He was happy, light hearted, ready for the day. He kissed me goodbye with an “I love you”.  “I love you more…” I said. That was the last time I saw him alive.

An unfortunate chain of events would happen that day that lead to a panic filled and sorrowful Scott, and as the day unfolded, he went missing. Hours of driving around looking for him, calling every friend and family member in desperation that he was with them, led to dead ends. My heart filled with anxiety as our older children had now realized that their dad hadn’t come home for the night and we banned together as we clung to our phones in hopes we would hear from him any minute. We tried our best to be hopeful, but this was too out of character for Scott . The terror in all of our eyes suggested we knew something was incredibly wrong.

A few of my dear friends arrived at my door to sit with me that night and pray with me. They did their best to convince me that he would walk in that door any minute and that it was all a big misunderstanding. I made my way to my room and made one last phone call to Scott. I sobbed and begged for his return…a message that would forever go unheard.

An hour later, there was a pounding on my bedroom door from my friend Carrie. Someone was at my front door knocking. By the time I reached the top of the stairs, I could see the light on the front porch and two officers standing together. I could barely open the door, as my whole body shook and my heart was beating out of my chest. “Lord, please let this be good news. Please let them say he’s safe. That everything is going to be ok.”

“Mrs. Spalding, is there somewhere you can sit down? We found your husband. He is deceased.”

My knees hit the floor. Sobs I didn’t recognize came raging from my body. The hands of my friend Carrie reached for me, sobbed with me. And at that moment, our 17 year old son was standing over me, reality hitting him like a ton of bricks as he fought the truth. We woke our 14 year old up with the worst news one could ever deliver and we huddled together in agony for what felt like hours. Our hearts shattered in a million pieces. By the grace of God, my 3 and 5 year old remained sleeping peacefully upstairs in their beds, unaware that when they would rise, their lives were forever changed.

One by one, friends and pastors of our church showed up and sat with me on the kitchen floor, laying hands on me, praying over me, crying with me. I will never forget these friends for as long as I live, as we are now bonded through these moments like a tattoo. Nor will I ever forget the moment my parents and sister arrived, or having to make the call to Scotts parents and brother. Or telling my children that their daddy was never coming home again. Excruciating. Agonizing. Shattering. Life altering…

The days and weeks to follow were a blur at best and I can barely recall anything that went on then. We were in survival mode. The kind where every waking moment felt like eternity. Life now felt so long, so painful, so daunting and hopeless. How would I ever be able to raise my kids with any joy in their hearts? How will we ever go on? How can I even survive this day? This was just too much, Lord. This was the icing on the cake. I had endured enough in my short 38 years and just when I was living my best life with every blessing I could think of, with everything I had ever prayed for…you broke me. You stole my joy. You ripped the rug out from under me. Are you finding this funny, Lord? Did I do something horrible to deserve such a story? My children ultimately saved me. Had it not been for them, I don’t know what I would have done. In my mind, this life was just too hard. But in my heart, something else was happening…

“For I have no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Lord God; so turn, and live.” Ezekiel 18:32

I spent a good majority of my time in prayer, either begging for God to return and take us all home, and if not, PLEASE bring a peace that surpasses all understanding. Heal every piece of our broken hearts, calm every fear inside of us, turn off the lies in our heads, wrap us in protection and redeem our lives. There were days that I didn’t even have the words of what to pray for anymore. I had no energy left, was too weak to put my thoughts together. There were also days where we had to wage war with the devil and remind him to slink back to the hell he belongs in. Yet, most of my days were spent quiet and weeping, clothing my kids for school and getting them out the door, answering the door to the blessed people dropping of nightly meals, doing the bath time and bedtime routine where my littles would pray for Jesus to take care of their daddy, as I would slip back to my room and sob into Scotts cologned sweatshirt so they couldn’t hear me. I did all of this like a drone. No joy in my heart, a fake smile on my face, battling out the full spectrum of emotions going on in my mind.

Mania took over every space of my heart; anger, despair, worry, and back to anger. I spent the summer escaping my thoughts and blasting myself into busy mode, with a move, a home build, house guests, work and even dusted off my old 21 year old party girl self and hid behind her for a while. All the while, God was also busy at work. He was chipping away at the plaque around my heart and using fire to refine it. He knew what he needed to do and ever so gently, nudged me forward to start living again. I know it was for me, for my children, but its truly for Him and for his glory.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall their be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away” Revelation 21:4

I loved Scott with all my heart. In so many ways, he showed us his love and adoration. He was a one of a kind father who was so proud of each of his children and loved them with all his might. He was a doting husband who had the most tender of hearts. The love he had for his friends and family was so evident and he lived his life to show that to everyone he knew. But he was conflicted inside. Torn apart by his thoughts and transgressions and ultimately surrendered to them. Not one of us knew what was going on inside his mind and never in a million years would have thought he was capable of ending his own life. Never. Yet he made the decision to be with Jesus that day, a decision I will spend the rest of my life not making sense of. A decision that has brought the most pain a family could suffer. There has been destruction, depression, division, sadness, anger, resentment, betrayal, and more buckets of tears than I could even count.

Yet, just when I thought the Devil had won that fateful night, God said “NOT ON MY WATCH!” and he reminded me of his power and might. He reminded me that our stories are NOT over. That he would use my voice to proclaim his and that he would turn ashes into beauty. I knew, going forward, that I was called to share this story for His glory. That in some way, this tragedy would speak to someone who needed hope, to someone who needed to rethink the end of their life, to someone in the pit of darkness needing light, to the one who doesn’t even see the tragedy coming yet. That the Lord will ALWAYS be with you in every waking moment of your life. “Use your words” he said. Whether its writing, singing, speaking…I have been using it all if it means his name will be glorified.

My heart breaks for Scott and what tortured him inside, what his final hours had to have been like. I can barely go there, as it brings too much grief. But I know God has Scott wrapped in his arms, finally at peace, never to shed another tear. I also know I will see him again someday, which brings an immense amount of comfort to my aching heart and to the hearts of my children. We spend time pouring over pictures, videos (thank God for these) and memories of Scott and will forever keep him alive in our stories and our hearts. And yet, we will go forward boldly, living fully, being grateful each day and embracing all of the love that surrounds us.

We were given the most wonderful family, friends, church body and community anyone could ask for. We have been covered in the blessings of love, support, help, prayer and encouragement from day one and there isn’t a day that goes by that I am not in full gratitude and awe of it and my hearts desire is to try and be even half as giving to these fine people as they have been to us.

To summarize this long narrative, we have lived a tragedy I wouldn’t wish on anyone. We have experienced a loss of someone we held the most near, dear and precious. We turned our hearts and our eyes toward Jesus, and he is rebuilding our foundation as we speak. He has truly given me the peace that surpasses ALL understanding.

You see, on February 15th, I fell into Gods arms and he caught me, and will never let go…

Friend, do you need this peace? Do you seek to be restored and rebuilt? Are you waging war with the enemy who seeks to destroy you and lie to you that you are without hope? You’re not alone…join me in this…God has confirmed that the enemy will NEVER win. Ever. There is purpose even in our most unanswered questions and there is so much more to our stories if we let God WIN in our hearts and minds every blessed second of the day. Breathe it in….peace. Healing. Restoration. Hope.

Pray with me;

Father God,

Thank you for being our creator. Our master. Our healer.

Lord, we have so many questions, so many prayers we cry out to you that we can’t understand. Times where we can’t see how we will make it another day. This world is hard, Lord. There is so much devastation and suffering. You remind us that there is an end to that someday. That there will be no more suffering. No more mourning. Thank you for that, Jesus.

In the meantime, set us apart with your truth and wisdom so that this world and its troubles will not become the masters to our minds. Pour your words directly into our hearts so that it spills out of us and brings glory to you. 

Bring us the peace that only comes from you and take any doubts we have of your goodness and replace them with hope for our future. Thank you for loving us so much that you can and will turn ashes into beauty. 

In you name, Jesus,

Amen

Rejected; left unoccupied or unused

“You’re really an amazing person, but…”

“I’m just scared of ruining our friendship…”

“Our company is just going in a different direction…”

“I’m sorry I didn’t invite you, we were just doing something small…”

“It’s not you, its me…”

Have any of these phrases been used on you before? Perhaps all of them? Ever use them on someone yourself? Well, I have. And I have had most of them said to me….dozens of times. I can safely say I’ve been rejected far more times than the number of years I’ve been alive. It hurts. So bad. The definition of the word is cringe worthy, in and of itself. I instantly felt the familiar pain that cuts like a knife. Unoccupied. Unused. Can you feel it? The definition should also read: left out, discarded, abandoned, forsaken, thrown out, set aside, not thought of, shunned. The list of emotions felt by this word in a side bar: broken, alone, devastated, depressed, unworthy, wounded, unloved.

This topic feels so insanely easy for me to speak of because of my experience with it. I know it like the back of my hand. So common that it could be on the days to-do list;

• workout
• bank
• grocery store
• get rejected in some way
• soccer practice
• PTA meeting

Now, I might be leaning towards the side of dramatic on that, which always rarely happens, but it is a cozy topic for me and I’m guessing almost everyone. In this day and age, it is nearly impossible to not feel it in some tiny form on any given day, as we scroll our social media accounts only to discover what all we were not invited to, who our ex is now happily dating, who got the job we had applied for, who is going home with the baby we thought we were adopting, and certainly, who is managing just fine without us in their life when we so desperately wanted to be in it.

I thought it was interesting that the definition said “unused”. I feel a little robbed by that, as I have felt more used in any situation where I was rejected because that person got something from me that was vulnerable. Be it my time, my money, my energy, my excitement, my inclusiveness, my parties, my commitment, my joy and most often, my heart. It takes a lot of balls to put ourselves out there in the world and hold our heads high on the daily. A person or an opportunity comes into life and sweeps us off our feet and just like that, we let our guard down bit by bit. We get our hopes up and in a flash, it can all come crashing down in the face of rejection. As we lick our wounds, we find ourselves instantly building up the walls again, feeling ashamed we put ourselves out there in the first place, plotting revenge ideas (am I the only one doing this?), day dreaming that the rejectors would fail, crying ourselves to sleep, making ourselves sick with anger and sadly, convincing ourselves that we are unworthy. Foolish. Unlovable. Not good enough.

I promised myself a decade ago, when my first husband left me for another woman, that I would watch the movie, He’s Just Not That Into You, every week until the day I die. I would do this so I was never again tempted to be the silly girl who thought it was a good idea to date. Or to marry. Or to ever trust another man with my heart, as they were “all the same” in the long run. I forgot to watch it for a few months and found myself married again. This man changed my mind about men and taught me that there were some really amazing ones out there who were capable of nearly perfect love. My  husband took his life the day after our 10th valentines day. Rejection. Abandonment. I wasn’t worth sticking around for. Lets not even get started on my dating life over the years…”You’re so awesome, but…”, “I’ve had the best time of my life with you, but…”, and the best one, “I love you, but I decided to give it another try with my ex…”. I think its time for me to either A: start watching the movie on repeat again B:get the tattoo that reads UNLOVABLE, as a reminder, or C: remember who I am, whose I am and how much freaking value I have to the one that created me.

Psalm 139: 13-14 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

As I was thinking of people from the Bible who had been rejected, I didn’t have to look any further than Jesus himself. Here’s a man, who during his time on earth, parted seas, washed the feet of his disciples, spit Jonah out of a whale, rescued Daniel from a lions den, raised Lazarus from the dead, made the blind see, fed thousands of people on 5 loaves of bread and 3 fish, and turned water into wine (bless his heart). Yet he was ridiculed, cast out, forsaken. Even his very own Apostle Peter, disowned him three times. And to throw gas on it? He was captured, beaten and hung on a cross. Crucified. Died. Buried. But here’s the kicker. He rose! HE ROSE! Death did not hold him! He was the ultimate rejected. He even wrote the book on it (literally).

John 15:18 “If the world hates you, keep in mind it hated me first.”

I love that verse. Jesus be like “Um, girl…slow your roll. Let’s see which one of us had the corner on rejection.” In other words, the one who created us came to live on this earth so he could experience all of what we experience as humans. He wanted to feel what we feel, see what we see, live through the pain and anguish himself so that he could identify with us, know our hearts. He did this because he loves us so much! To him, we are far more precious than rubies. More valuable than a whole flock of sparrows. He knows every hair on our heads. Every day of our lives. How does this make me feel better about rejection? Because I know that no matter who is against me, that Jesus is always for me. I know that no matter who doesn’t love me, that HE loves me more than I could ever imagine. I know that no matter how unworthy I feel in this world, that God created me with intention, for a purpose. This fills my empty places up with so much hope. I will never spend a day in this life alone, unworthy or unloved. And you know what, friend? Neither will you. Lets change our perspective on rejection right this minute and decide to believe in Option C: remember who I am, whose I am and how freaking valuable I am to the one who created me. Beloved, you are wholeheartedly accepted.

1 Peter 1: 18-19 “Knowing that you were not redeemed with corruptible things like gold or silver, but with the precious blood of Christ.”

Father God,

We praise you that you created us with uniqueness and individuality. That you have a special purpose for each one of us. That you hand crafted us with intention. Thank you for loving us so much that we never have to spend a day truly rejected. Help us to release the hold that grips us when the world turns us away and remind us that we are the sons and daughters of a king! 

Amen

Control; to have power over, determine the behavior or supervise the running of.

I hate flying. Like, so much so that I have to medicate and even then, if there is turbulence, you will find me tapping rhythmically, counting my breathing and wearing a coat over my head. The feeling of being trapped in a flying tin can 30,000 feet about the ground, while bouncing around, brings me to the cray cray place. If I know myself well enough, I imagine I would be far less freaked out in the same scenario if I were the pilot. Why? Control.

Most of us like to be in the drivers seat, and some of us straight up rely on it to feel any sense of peace and normalcy in our lives. I am one of those people, hands down. Its not that I am necessarily wanting to control the actions of others, but my reaction to their actions can make or break how I feel in any given situation or, quite frankly, how I feel about myself. When I don’t get to decide the outcome, I feel uneasy, restless and nervous and my mind will take me to scenarios that are so beyond dramatic, even my Italian relatives would shake their heads at me.

I feel out of control right now and I don’t like marinating in this place at all. I have too many plates in the air right now and I am not doing my best at juggling them. I am falling short in pretty much every area of my life right now and I am fully aware of it.      As I write this, I am on day 5 of unwashed hair, my kitchen sink is happily leaking water everywhere, my kids have had their last 8 “baths” in the pool, the party I am supposed to throw for my salons 5th birthday (in June) is still unplanned, I’ve rewashed my laundry twice because I forgot about it in the washing machine for days after it sits wet, and I currently have 44 unread text messages from clients because it’s too daunting to sift through all of it.

I don’t even run my house anymore either. My kids do. They demand chicken nuggets and chocolate milk and laugh at me when I ask them to turn their screens off or help me with chores. They know I’ve got about zero energy for the fight. This lack of control in my life right now is beating me down. I am relearning my life all over again since Scotts death. He was the keeper of all things that made our life smooth and without him, I am balancing a life that is not meant to be handled by myself. No matter how hard I am trying to hold on to the sand, its slipping through my fingers faster than I can collect more.

To top it off, in my quest to find the light in this current darkness, I have made some really big mistakes that have earned me some dents in my value system and hurt someone I care about greatly. The wild hair that comes rip roaring out at 100mph when life gets too difficult, was a little too much for this even this mama. Strangely, when things happen in my life that I can’t control, I sometimes give it up even more. The ghetto comes out in me and I say “FTS” and go just a little further down that rabbit hole. Because if I can’t have it my way, do it myself, make your move for you, know whats coming next…well then, just take me out to pasture. I can’t even. Self preservation? 100%.

Friends, have you ever felt this way? Have you ever felt so out of control that you literally want to take a sledge hammer to a wall? Does the lack of control make you feel helpless? Backed into a corner? Fearful? We ALL want to run our own show, don’t we? We want to be in charge, micromanage our spouse, our kids, hammer out our calendars like a boss, be fully dialed in at all times and not miss a beat. Its scary to give up the rights to our life and trust that we don’t have to do it alone. What will happen if I lay my guard down? Will all hell break loose (like, more than the normal hell that’s breaking loose)?

Psalm 9:10- “And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, Oh Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.”

Imma go ahead and visit the lyrics of Miss Janet Jackson (if you’re nasty) right here when she said:

“This is a story about control. My control. Control of what I say, control of what I do. And this time, I’m gonna do it my way. ‘Cause its all about control and I’ve got lots of it.”

Here is what sweet Janet is missing the boat on…we don’t have lots of it. We just think we do and we spend ungodly amounts of time and energy trying to get it. Here’s what our ultimate controller has to say about it…. Psalm 115:3- “Our God is in the heavens; he does all that he pleases.” Read that again. ALL that he pleases. He is in control of ALL things in heaven and on earth. Nothing is too great a task for him. He is telling us that we can release ourselves from trying to control it all and trust that he will not forsake us. That he wrote our story. That he cares about the details. That we don’t have to fear. I am sitting here wanting so badly to be that person who lays it at his feet and trusts with every ounce of my soul, that if I die to myself I will gain a new life in Christ.                Calm. Fearless. Free. I am SO ready to be free…

Luke 9:24- “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it.”

Heavenly Father, 

Thank you for showing that you love us when you remind us with hard lessons. Help us to trust so wholeheartedly in you that we die to ourselves. Hold our hands as we grapple with the fear of losing control and remind us who we are when we lean on you and you alone. Break the chains that bind us and hold us down. Keep our eyes on you as we rise, and make us free.

In Jesus name, 

Amen

Broken; no longer in one piece or in working order.

Jm Storm once said, “she is a beautiful piece of broken pottery, put back together by her own hands. A critical world judges her cracks while missing the beauty of how she made herself whole again.”

As I absentmindedly shoved corn into a bag at the store today, I didn’t notice it falling right out of the bottom. Eventually I did, grabbed another bag, and started the process over, only to discover the second bag was ripped at the bottom too and it all flew out again. I was waiting for candid camera to come running out and tell me I’d been punked and everyone in the produce section would laugh with me and I would win some giant prize. We would all hug and add each other on facebook and become best friends for life as we stood in line (me with my free corn and 1 million dollar prize) and then walk to our cars laughing and singing and carrying on, thinking “I feel so insanely on track right now!”

In reality, I swore under my breath, noted (again) on how much I despise Walmart and literally cried. You see, this was the tip of the iceberg for me today. My whole weekend could have been summed up by this one instance. Picking up broken pieces off the floor, dusting them off and taking one more freaking step forward.

My husband has been gone nearly 5 months now. On one hand, it feels like 5 minutes ago that I got the worse news of my life. On the other, it feels like 5 years of single parenting, running a business, getting my house on the market, putting out fires and picking up thousands of shattered pieces of myself and my children up from off the floor. We are a broken mess right now. These days, weeks and months have stretched us to our limits, shaken us to our core and challenged us to find out who we really are when the going gets impossible tough.

I have so many moments of shame and guilt that wash over me with all of the cracks and flaws that seem to define me right now. Am I being a good mom still? Am I being present enough with my children and keeping them emotionally in tact? Am I falling short with my business? My friends who need me? The miles long to-do list? Last weekend I had to give up my sweet puppy who I loved and adored, because I had to choose who I could physically keep alive right now in my mindframe…and I chose my tiny humans (although, full disclosure, I almost texted my dogs new owners today to see if they wanted the littles for a few months as well).

In my peripheral vision, I can see the looks of disgust empathy that others give me when I tote my wee ones all over town in a distracted and hurried manner. “Is she pumping hip hop music in the car with her toddlers?” “Are her kids in the grocery store without shoes on?” “Does she realize the back of her dress is tucked into her underwear?”           Yes, yes and yes. I do. Yet, I’m still searching for those missing pieces of the old self I once was and beg for grace and mercy as I do so. So many are extending that. Then there are others, who see this and want to run for the hills. This happens so often over the course of our lives

I once dated a man who I fell hard and fast for, the kind of instantaneous connection that I swore “I will marry this guy someday” right out of the gate. He was nearly perfect…sensitive, emotional, could carry on any conversation at all times, said all of the right things, blissfully affectionate, attentive and kind; all wrapped up in a handsome package. He told me everything he thought was so amazing about me and that he had the most amazing time with me more than anyone he’d ever dated. That I was the “total package”. Yet, when shit got real and my beautiful chaos started looking like it could someday merge with his, he disappeared faster than a twinkie at a weight watchers meeting. Those broken pieces he said he would help mend shattered all over again. The hurt and vulnerable places that had started to recover because he had helped me see the sun where I once saw the clouds? Open wounds once more.

Over the course of my life, I have been bent, broken and healed, just to be bent, broken and healed all over again. As a Christian, this shouldn’t have come as a surprise. 1 Peter 4;1 says, “And the God of all grace, who called you to eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” I have looked in so many of the wrong places to be restored and made whole again. Be it relationships, friends, family, jobs, hobbies…any kind of earthly love and acceptance. Don’t get me wrong, each of these has brought profound healing, joy and beauty to my life in multiple ways. But I seem to always take the hard road and consult with God last, taking every detour around Him and prolonging my pain, until I finally arrive at the destination I could have been ages ago. (I’m like a taxi drivers dream).

Acts 17:27 reads, “God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any of us.”

Friends, we all have brokenness; shattered pieces that so desperately need to be put back together again. We are broken, yet so beautiful. Anyone who comes into our beautiful mess would be lucky to receive us, cracks, imperfections and all. They won’t see it as a risk, or too much to handle. They will never let us go no matter how hard the situation is. They will love us so much that they will want to be part of the glue that keeps us together because we are worth every bit of the chaos we bring to the table, and they know it.           Not all we call upon will, but we do have one who not only will stay the course, but will literally make us whole again. His name is Jesus and he is longing to be our healer. He wants every perfectly imperfect part of us to love him, trust him and seek him. First.        Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” I don’t know about you, but my broken heart and my gaping wounds need some serious restoration…The kind only my maker promises to deliver on. So Jesus, lets roll.

Father God,

You are our counselor, comforter and healer. You invite us to come to you with our burdens, imperfections and brokenness and you will give us everything we need. Help us to trust you on these promises and to seek you first when the shattered pieces need to be glued back together again. Thank you for creating and knowing our precious hearts and seeing so much worth in us that you will be in it for the long haul. We lay our brokenness at your feet and give it all over to you. we love you, sovereign Lord. Amen

Matthew 11:18 “Come to me, all who are weak and weary, and I will give you rest.