Control; to have power over, determine the behavior or supervise the running of.

I hate flying. Like, so much so that I have to medicate and even then, if there is turbulence, you will find me tapping rhythmically, counting my breathing and wearing a coat over my head. The feeling of being trapped in a flying tin can 30,000 feet about the ground, while bouncing around, brings me to the cray cray place. If I know myself well enough, I imagine I would be far less freaked out in the same scenario if I were the pilot. Why? Control.

Most of us like to be in the drivers seat, and some of us straight up rely on it to feel any sense of peace and normalcy in our lives. I am one of those people, hands down. Its not that I am necessarily wanting to control the actions of others, but my reaction to their actions can make or break how I feel in any given situation or, quite frankly, how I feel about myself. When I don’t get to decide the outcome, I feel uneasy, restless and nervous and my mind will take me to scenarios that are so beyond dramatic, even my Italian relatives would shake their heads at me.

I feel out of control right now and I don’t like marinating in this place at all. I have too many plates in the air right now and I am not doing my best at juggling them. I am falling short in pretty much every area of my life right now and I am fully aware of it.      As I write this, I am on day 5 of unwashed hair, my kitchen sink is happily leaking water everywhere, my kids have had their last 8 “baths” in the pool, the party I am supposed to throw for my salons 5th birthday (in June) is still unplanned, I’ve rewashed my laundry twice because I forgot about it in the washing machine for days after it sits wet, and I currently have 44 unread text messages from clients because it’s too daunting to sift through all of it.

I don’t even run my house anymore either. My kids do. They demand chicken nuggets and chocolate milk and laugh at me when I ask them to turn their screens off or help me with chores. They know I’ve got about zero energy for the fight. This lack of control in my life right now is beating me down. I am relearning my life all over again since Scotts death. He was the keeper of all things that made our life smooth and without him, I am balancing a life that is not meant to be handled by myself. No matter how hard I am trying to hold on to the sand, its slipping through my fingers faster than I can collect more.

To top it off, in my quest to find the light in this current darkness, I have made some really big mistakes that have earned me some dents in my value system and hurt someone I care about greatly. The wild hair that comes rip roaring out at 100mph when life gets too difficult, was a little too much for this even this mama. Strangely, when things happen in my life that I can’t control, I sometimes give it up even more. The ghetto comes out in me and I say “FTS” and go just a little further down that rabbit hole. Because if I can’t have it my way, do it myself, make your move for you, know whats coming next…well then, just take me out to pasture. I can’t even. Self preservation? 100%.

Friends, have you ever felt this way? Have you ever felt so out of control that you literally want to take a sledge hammer to a wall? Does the lack of control make you feel helpless? Backed into a corner? Fearful? We ALL want to run our own show, don’t we? We want to be in charge, micromanage our spouse, our kids, hammer out our calendars like a boss, be fully dialed in at all times and not miss a beat. Its scary to give up the rights to our life and trust that we don’t have to do it alone. What will happen if I lay my guard down? Will all hell break loose (like, more than the normal hell that’s breaking loose)?

Psalm 9:10- “And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, Oh Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.”

Imma go ahead and visit the lyrics of Miss Janet Jackson (if you’re nasty) right here when she said:

“This is a story about control. My control. Control of what I say, control of what I do. And this time, I’m gonna do it my way. ‘Cause its all about control and I’ve got lots of it.”

Here is what sweet Janet is missing the boat on…we don’t have lots of it. We just think we do and we spend ungodly amounts of time and energy trying to get it. Here’s what our ultimate controller has to say about it…. Psalm 115:3- “Our God is in the heavens; he does all that he pleases.” Read that again. ALL that he pleases. He is in control of ALL things in heaven and on earth. Nothing is too great a task for him. He is telling us that we can release ourselves from trying to control it all and trust that he will not forsake us. That he wrote our story. That he cares about the details. That we don’t have to fear. I am sitting here wanting so badly to be that person who lays it at his feet and trusts with every ounce of my soul, that if I die to myself I will gain a new life in Christ.                Calm. Fearless. Free. I am SO ready to be free…

Luke 9:24- “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it.”

Heavenly Father, 

Thank you for showing that you love us when you remind us with hard lessons. Help us to trust so wholeheartedly in you that we die to ourselves. Hold our hands as we grapple with the fear of losing control and remind us who we are when we lean on you and you alone. Break the chains that bind us and hold us down. Keep our eyes on you as we rise, and make us free.

In Jesus name, 

Amen