“You are constantly invited to be what you are.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I saw the look on my daughters face when she watched out our car window, seeing her friends get picked up for school together. The same friends she had asked to play the day before. And the day before that. A few times, no response. Once when she asked if she could join them, she was met with “We just want to play alone today. “Some days, there are countless friends to play with, ready to join forces and ride bikes around the neighborhood. Most often attending each others parties and hanging out on the playground. Other days, its messier. A sudden “who’s who” hierarchy in the land of 5th grade girls.

I see this same shift in my middle school son and his friendships. One day, inseparable with a few tight buddies. The next day, those friends have a new crowd and its a lonely school lunch, a text invitation to hang out that never gets a yes. And just like that, the very next day is a group of 8 boys forming a dodgeball group at lunch and playing basketball in our driveway.

The pendulum is far swinging these days, to say the least. I am hard pressed to know what way the wind will blow when I gather my precious gems up from school on any given day. Because of who they are as people, I can safely assume they will be positive and joy filled little humans when they load their 50 pound back packs into the car and cheerfully wave at their peers as we drive off. Half the time, we are loading an array of extra kids in with us, who are giggling in the back seat and slipping out of their Crocs to run out to the trampoline or eat their weight in snacks while they line up on the couch and play Roblox (Lord help us, with the video game life.)

Other days I can see a tenderness, a vulnerability on their faces as they see friends walking home together without them, or hearing them invite friends over for an overnight to which they aren’t included. I recognize this look, as I have had it on my own face approximately 1 million times in my life. The look is a feeling, really. Its sadness, rejection, shame, hurt… but mostly, the look is longing. Its longing to be part of the group, to be invited, included. To be a part of something where your presence matters.

Yet, sometimes that look can also be grace. Even at their young ages, my children know enough to realize that not always being invited is part of life. Its knowing they too, have had times where they just wanted to have special time with one friend. Or maybe mom said 2 friends can come over today, but not 3. They understand they can be loved and valued by those same friends even if they might have to sit on the sidelines today. Sometimes I think they understand it even more than I do.

My mama heart exploded after school drop off today, assuring Carmen that all of these sweet girls love her dearly and are thrilled to be coming to her birthday celebration this weekend. I said all of the things mamas say to their babies when their hearts hurt and are unsure they are valued. “Just keep being the kind of friend you are”, “choose people in your life that you think possess the qualities that make them a good friend”, “you are loved beyond measure.” I hugged her and smiled big when she exited the car and walked into school on this bright and sunny winter morning. Then I walked into my house and burst into tears. Dramatic? Probably. An overreaction to something as trivial as school drop off? Likely. A heart that hurts for my kids who have already experienced so much pain and rejection from the early years of their life and don’t want to see any more? You bet your life.

I have told my kids that everyone is learning and growing at these ages and there are going to be so many times when mistakes are made and choices are made that might hurt someone else unintentionally. Forgiveness is crucial in these moments and 9 times out of 10, these same people will still go on to be your very best friends. The same applies to them, as they won’t always be the recipient but instead, the actual offender in the situation. As I sat and thought about the “why” behind my sadness, I realized that this is something that is not exclusive to children. This is a lifelong journey of the ups and downs of friendship, the ebb and flow of being in and sometimes being out. (Janet Jackson has never written me back, so there’s that). I can’t tell you the number of times in my life where I have been on the outside looking in. I have remarried, relocated, moved out of state, out of and into new communities, churches, salons, schools; all of which mean starting over. And starting over as a married mom of a blended family and the desire to make connections with other married moms with kids my kids ages and husbands who also like each other….oooooh weeeee! This has been a full time job in and of itself. Social media likes to remind us that everyone is doing things together without us. Satan likes to try and convince us that we are not valued. God shows us that we are loved without condition. Which one am I going to believe today?

The Bible has many examples of people who were rejected by their peers and yet, went on to live lives of greatness, promoted by the Lord and shown favor and kindness from Him. JESUS was the ultimate outcast. Mocked, beaten and hung on a cross by his own people who didn’t believe he was the messiah. Thankfully, we know how that ended. Praise! Many times, rejection was the blissful ignorance of regular people just being regular people. No harm intended, often times oblivious to the hurt inflicted, most times forgiven as a result.

Being uninvited is actually an invitation to grow in character and faith. God invites us to be who we are in Him. Perfectly and wonderfully made, confident and secure in our foundation, strong in character, always practicing love and forgiveness. I truly believe that the Lord created us with a deep desire for fellowship. With that, comes an opportunity to offer up the same qualities he extends to us. Grace, mercy, and ultimately, love. While we are called to action with our loving response to one another, we are also called to action to choose our friendships wisely, encourage and build one another up, speak truthfully and influence one another for good.

Friends, the sting of rejection is real. The jab we feel when life goes on around us, without us… it can feel so isolating and lead us down a path of resentment and a nudge from the evil one to just throw in the towel with anyone we think may have wronged us. This is Gods reminder today that we matter. We are valued (literally every hair on our heads was planned!). We are loved (so much so that He gave his only son). Lets keep fighting the battle of the one who seeks to break us down, shatter our hearts, make us doubt ourselves and our worth rather than focusing on the countless times we ARE invited, included, welcomed with open arms. Remember all of those times? Because there are dozens. Lets get back to the business of being the grace filled, forgiving and loving people we are called to be. The people who see the good in people because we are all trying our best! Oh, and just know this… you always have a seat at my table.

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If one falls, one can help the other up.” Proverbs 17:17