Broken; no longer in one piece or in working order.

Jm Storm once said, “she is a beautiful piece of broken pottery, put back together by her own hands. A critical world judges her cracks while missing the beauty of how she made herself whole again.”

As I absentmindedly shoved corn into a bag at the store today, I didn’t notice it falling right out of the bottom. Eventually I did, grabbed another bag, and started the process over, only to discover the second bag was ripped at the bottom too and it all flew out again. I was waiting for candid camera to come running out and tell me I’d been punked and everyone in the produce section would laugh with me and I would win some giant prize. We would all hug and add each other on facebook and become best friends for life as we stood in line (me with my free corn and 1 million dollar prize) and then walk to our cars laughing and singing and carrying on, thinking “I feel so insanely on track right now!”

In reality, I swore under my breath, noted (again) on how much I despise Walmart and literally cried. You see, this was the tip of the iceberg for me today. My whole weekend could have been summed up by this one instance. Picking up broken pieces off the floor, dusting them off and taking one more freaking step forward.

My husband has been gone nearly 5 months now. On one hand, it feels like 5 minutes ago that I got the worse news of my life. On the other, it feels like 5 years of single parenting, running a business, getting my house on the market, putting out fires and picking up thousands of shattered pieces of myself and my children up from off the floor. We are a broken mess right now. These days, weeks and months have stretched us to our limits, shaken us to our core and challenged us to find out who we really are when the going gets impossible tough.

I have so many moments of shame and guilt that wash over me with all of the cracks and flaws that seem to define me right now. Am I being a good mom still? Am I being present enough with my children and keeping them emotionally in tact? Am I falling short with my business? My friends who need me? The miles long to-do list? Last weekend I had to give up my sweet puppy who I loved and adored, because I had to choose who I could physically keep alive right now in my mindframe…and I chose my tiny humans (although, full disclosure, I almost texted my dogs new owners today to see if they wanted the littles for a few months as well).

In my peripheral vision, I can see the looks of disgust empathy that others give me when I tote my wee ones all over town in a distracted and hurried manner. “Is she pumping hip hop music in the car with her toddlers?” “Are her kids in the grocery store without shoes on?” “Does she realize the back of her dress is tucked into her underwear?”           Yes, yes and yes. I do. Yet, I’m still searching for those missing pieces of the old self I once was and beg for grace and mercy as I do so. So many are extending that. Then there are others, who see this and want to run for the hills. This happens so often over the course of our lives

I once dated a man who I fell hard and fast for, the kind of instantaneous connection that I swore “I will marry this guy someday” right out of the gate. He was nearly perfect…sensitive, emotional, could carry on any conversation at all times, said all of the right things, blissfully affectionate, attentive and kind; all wrapped up in a handsome package. He told me everything he thought was so amazing about me and that he had the most amazing time with me more than anyone he’d ever dated. That I was the “total package”. Yet, when shit got real and my beautiful chaos started looking like it could someday merge with his, he disappeared faster than a twinkie at a weight watchers meeting. Those broken pieces he said he would help mend shattered all over again. The hurt and vulnerable places that had started to recover because he had helped me see the sun where I once saw the clouds? Open wounds once more.

Over the course of my life, I have been bent, broken and healed, just to be bent, broken and healed all over again. As a Christian, this shouldn’t have come as a surprise. 1 Peter 4;1 says, “And the God of all grace, who called you to eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” I have looked in so many of the wrong places to be restored and made whole again. Be it relationships, friends, family, jobs, hobbies…any kind of earthly love and acceptance. Don’t get me wrong, each of these has brought profound healing, joy and beauty to my life in multiple ways. But I seem to always take the hard road and consult with God last, taking every detour around Him and prolonging my pain, until I finally arrive at the destination I could have been ages ago. (I’m like a taxi drivers dream).

Acts 17:27 reads, “God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any of us.”

Friends, we all have brokenness; shattered pieces that so desperately need to be put back together again. We are broken, yet so beautiful. Anyone who comes into our beautiful mess would be lucky to receive us, cracks, imperfections and all. They won’t see it as a risk, or too much to handle. They will never let us go no matter how hard the situation is. They will love us so much that they will want to be part of the glue that keeps us together because we are worth every bit of the chaos we bring to the table, and they know it.           Not all we call upon will, but we do have one who not only will stay the course, but will literally make us whole again. His name is Jesus and he is longing to be our healer. He wants every perfectly imperfect part of us to love him, trust him and seek him. First.        Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” I don’t know about you, but my broken heart and my gaping wounds need some serious restoration…The kind only my maker promises to deliver on. So Jesus, lets roll.

Father God,

You are our counselor, comforter and healer. You invite us to come to you with our burdens, imperfections and brokenness and you will give us everything we need. Help us to trust you on these promises and to seek you first when the shattered pieces need to be glued back together again. Thank you for creating and knowing our precious hearts and seeing so much worth in us that you will be in it for the long haul. We lay our brokenness at your feet and give it all over to you. we love you, sovereign Lord. Amen

Matthew 11:18 “Come to me, all who are weak and weary, and I will give you rest.