“Not Everybody smiles of happiness. Some smile to hide their tears.”

I remember when I was a kid, I learned that the meaning of uncle was not just a sibling of one of my parents. It was the code word to which all forms of torture were called off, because saying no and having it actually mean no, was not a “thing” in the 80’s. Somewhere along the lines, we decided that during a session of being pinned down and tickled or a thumb war with nearly breaking bones, that laughing out of reflex and/or crying from pain was a sign of a good time in those moments. Show no weakness. Until you REALLY mean it. Then you would surrender with the one code word that would fend off your perp and spare you any further agony…UNCLE.

Fast forward to being an adult and we tend to need this code word on the daily. Bills piling up, yard to mow, kids to cart around to every activity, laundry to be folded, dinner to start but its now 8pm and your kids are supposed to be in bed? Uncle. Cold and flu season where it blows through your house one by one, forcing you to call in sick for everyone but yourself, then you get it and drag your snotty self to work, clean up everyone’s bodily fluids, get the house sanitized, tuck yourself into bed and can hear the sweet sounds of the dog barfing on your new carpet in the background? Uncle.

Get divorced from a cheating husband, start over, move away, have miscarriages, deal with husbands job losses, have cancer surgery, lose your husband, become a single mother of two small children, move again, start over, and your parents move here for their retirement and instantly struggle with illness? Uncle

If this sounds like a pity party, it more or less is. But ya’ll know I throw the best parties. Pity parties are no exception. Care to join? I would invite you, but from what I have come to know, most of you have likely thrown your own a time or two. I’m not talking about the kind where we are the constant Debbie Downers of the world. Most of us smile through the pain, laugh when we feel like crying, get out of bed every morning, do all of lifes responsibilities, mix in a little social life, wash off the day, rinse and repeat. The thing is, a good portion of that time is spent feeling all of the good feels. I have many days where I make the choice to be happy, laugh as often as I can, find the joy, stay positive, pray for strength, give thanks for the blessings, snuggle and play with my kids and go to bed genuinely happy. Then there are days where it all comes crashing down and that final thread that was keeping it all together, gets cut off and it all falls apart.

Does this sound familiar to you? I can imagine it does. As of late, I know people with uncurable cancer, mamas who have lost the baby in their arms after only days of life and are coming home with their arms, and hearts, empty. I know people who have been diagnosed with an illness that will give them mere months to live and will leave behind a young spouse and small children, I know not one, but 5 women in my small town who have lost their husbands to suicide recently. I know teens struggling through depression and anxiety, couples working through infidelity issues, people suffering from abuse, addiction, financial strain, sick children spending days and weeks getting treatments in hospitals. Heavy, heavy burdens. Despair. Loneliness. Anger. Confusion. Pain.

In transparency, I can say that my trust in the Lord has been wavering the last year and a half. Selfishly, the seasons where I have given him the most trust and gratitude are when things are going right. When they are going wrong, I have seen myself pull away and become a fair weathered Christian. I question whether God really cares and will make the beauty from ashes that he promises. I find myself rolling my eyes at the stock syrupy responses of “He has a plan for you” (yes, duh. I just freaking dislike the current “plan” at the moment), “He will give you the desires of your heart” (and then rip them away???), “He knows every day of your life as it was recorded in His book (was mine recorded right next to Jerry Springers?) “He cares for you” (I sure hope so because I am hovering somewhere between the Proverbs 31 woman and Tupac right now…)

PSA to the friends of anyone in this particular zone right now: come at us FIRST without judgement, with love, Kleenex, good books to read, lots of wine and preferably red vines and dark chocolate mint Milanos. THEN you can come at me with the word. Word?

I say this AS a Christian. So don’t panic that I’ve lost Jesus and need an insta exorcism. We are just so full of every emotion…vulnerable, mad, lost, confused, sad. We need one minute to take a bat to a few things, slash a few tires, use each swear word a few times over, loudly and with extra pronunciation, watch Snapped on repeat, and live on a diet of sarcasm and cigarettes. (disclaimer, I did not slash any tires or break anything, but you feel me…)

Here’s the deal though. I KNOW Gods word is true. I can go back and read journal entries from 20 years ago and see that everything I went through in those times was fully resolved and restored. I can look at my prayer book and see how God has been faithful and blessed my heart in so many ways, like the two perfect babies I get to mother everyday, the house I live in, the family I have, the friends who have turned into family, my career, our health, the ability to travel and make new memories. GOD HAS AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE GOOD. Its me who has been the one to hold back. To not surrender my fears. To make God small.

I read a post the other day about how we will continue to long for things in our lives, even when we seem to have it all. How there will be more times of struggle than we think we can handle. That we are never and will never be satisfied until we are in Heaven with our creator, where we are made to spend perfect eternity. Everything in the meantime, will feed us just enough, but never completely until that time has come. It gave me a new perspective on how to better spend my time on the earth and dig deeper into the word to fill up on Gods promises for my future. The burden can and will be lifted should we know that there will be a day that there will be no pain or suffering, no tears of anguish or sickness in our bodies. There will be no emptiness in our hearts because we will be completely filled with the glory of our Lord.

In the meantime, rather than feeling so hopeless and bleak about the outlook of life while we are here, I know we are called to live each day with a joy and gratitude so bold that we can’t help but share that with others around us, shining the light to help others  see their way too. I know I am given this gift of life each day; I can clearly see that each morning when I wake my precious wee ones up for the day and when we snuggle up together each night. I owe it to them to share this light of Jesus rather than cast shadows on a world they are still so innocent from. Today, I’m going to rise, while being on my knees in prayer to the one who will certainly heal my wounds and pave my way, should I let Him be bigger in my life. I know I will have to remind myself over and over to lay it at His feet and will still feel all of the feels. But I will do it with the crown with which he anointed me…the daughter of a king. Will you join me?

“Forget all the reasons why it won’t work and believe the one reason it will. So far you’ve survived 100% of your worst days.”